Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Sod Off Wednesday: Snow White and the Huntsman

There's an explosion of Snow White related stuff coming out now. Besides "Snow White and Thor The Huntsman" there's the show "Once Upon a Time", the movie "Mirror, Mirror", and, if you stretch it a bit, the TV show "Grimm". Despite this, I was getting behind this movie. Looking forward to this movie. Then I saw another trailer. The one that showed before "The Hunger Games". The one that showed Snow White being played by Wooden McStoneface. Because, seriously? Why does that woman have an acting career? Kristen Stewart has the emotional range of moss. She's a creature of such astonishingly poor acting skills that even Anakin and Padme are complaining that they just don't feel the passion between her and either one of her love interests.

The movie started with the queen wishing for a child with snow white skin and raven hair. The movie went wrong about a minute later when we saw the kid with brown hair and a tan. Did ANYONE read the script? Screw the script, did anyone involved with this movie have a childhood? How do you not know what Snow White is supposed to look like?

Then the queen died, the king fought off magical invaders, met Charlize Theron, married her, and 48 hours after they met the king was dead. Snow White was promptly thrown in a cell where, much like Gollum in a cave, slowly transformed over the course of years into the dark haired, pale skinned, emotionless, necrophile of Twilight fame. From here on her range of emotions became defined by how closed her eyes were.

They had a good story. And a cast of actors with known history and acting skill. It's as if they're trying to cover up Kristen's dearth of skills by having great actors all around her. But, Mr. Director Person, acting talent doesn't average. Good is good and bad is taking up the title role.

Aside from her, I liked the movie. But she does a bad enough job that I would skip the movie if I knew what I was getting in to. I wanted to believe I was suffering from bias due to her involvement in the Twilight series. I wasn't. She's awful. If she's in Star Trek 2 I'll skip it. If she's in Avengers 2 I'm... OK, I may still see that, but I'm gonna agonize over it first. Agonize, I say.

You won't hear me say this often because I have a good movie filter, but skip this movie.

Kristen Stewart needs to Sod the fuck Off.

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