Friday, March 02, 2007

Cirrhosis, god of hangovers

I woke up this morning with no evidence remaining of last night's ill-advised drinking. I know why, too. Praise be to Cirrhosis, the god of hangovers. Oh, you wouldn't have heard of him before. He appears in a book that I'm almost done with.
For those of you who have been following the development of this book I did finally write those last 10 pages that have been hanging over me for the last year. I'll be doing a final review this weekend before I start looking for an agent.

Cirrhosis, god of hangovers

Most of the major polytheistic faiths have at least licentatious diety. That is to say a god of wine or other alcoholic beverages. And it’s commonly assumed that this god really knows how to party. This is wrong in all meaningful respects.
The so-called god of wine is, in fact, a god of hangovers named Cirrhosis. In much the same way Jesus took the sins of the world onto himself Cirrhosis takes the hangovers of the world onto himself. This makes him easily the most miserable god in recorded history. For every time that a mortal goes on a drinking binge and comes through bright eyed and clear the next morning the hangover god wakes up with his mouth feeling not unlike the floor of an army barber and his head like a blacksmith’s hammer.
An important question I’m sure many of you are asking is how anyone could mistake a god of hangovers for a god of wine. This is actually quite simple to explain. The remedy for a hangover is a bit of the dog that bit you. So the cure for someone who takes on the hangovers of several million people a night is large quantities of alcohol. He eases into the early afternoon with a few vodka martinis for breakfast and by happy hour he’s sampled most of the 1945 Napa Valley wine season.
Not being gifted with Promethius’ mythical organs, all this drinking leaves the hangover god with some health problems. Most notable of these ailments is the way he pulls his enlarged liver behind him in a wagon.
Understandably, holidays such as Mardi Gras and St. Patrick’s Day leave him feeling somewhat suicidal. While it is possible for a god to die Cirrhosis has far too many unwitting followers for this to happen. Cirrhosis holds the record for most number of temples built in his honor. Generally constructed entirely of porcelain, these temples each stand only about two feet tall with an oval water basin for making offerings while the worshiper kneels before this alter.

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