Monday, September 17, 2007

Movie Review: Dragon War

This is a movie about dragons fighting military weapons and other dragons. Ok? You're going to see this to see dragons fighting. If you expect anything else out of this movie then you WILL be disappointed.

This movie should have been Anime. Anime or maybe an 80's TV show. The Anime would have explained the bizarre logic and weird fantasy world they created. It would also explain the stilted dialog. But the 80's TV show would explain the lousy acting, the plot holes you could drive trucks through, and the strange pacing.

One particularly glaring example is when they discover some dragon scales partially buried in the ground. They explain that they are scales, but not why they're buried or anything about them. When doing test on the scales someone says "Do you know what the hardest substance known to man is?" someone else replies "Diamonds." and then the subject is dropped COMPLETELY. Never again is the subject of diamond brought up or any comparison to the hardness of the scales made.

The movie starts with a young reporter, whose hair and clothes indicate that he just stepped out of 1975, going to a disaster site where the scale is found. Seeing the scale triggers a flashback to when he was a kid. During the flashback there is another flashback to 500 years ago. Very awkward story telling.

We learn that every 500 years or so that one dragon is rewarded for it's good deeds by being given a spirit that manifests in a particular woman when she turns 20. This turns the good dragon into Super Galactic Happy Happy Good Time Dragon or some such weirdness. But there's an evil dragon that also wants it. God forbid anything be done to protect this woman. Sure, she's given some guy with a necklace, but they have to face down an army of Cylon/Stormtrooper hybrids, many of whom are riding giant lizard creatures on loan from Skywalker Ranch (LucasFilm Studio) and sporting energy cannons.

This is all assuming that 70's Necklace Boy is willing to both protect the girl and feed her to a giant good dragon.

See? Add some tentacle rape and it's Anime.

With all that said, the special effects are Lucas quality and the fight scenes are pretty awesome.

Still, I'm not gonna get it on DVD. I suggest waiting for a second run theatre or Dillon's cheap-ass rental.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Agreed. This movie sucked some eggs. Its like they hired these people 10min before the actual shooting. The driving scenes when they were trying to get away? what was up with that.

I would give this movie 1/10 1 being the hard to follow action from the lizards. and the missing 9 for the love crap that supposedly went on between the guy and girl.

That guy did want to make me go into my TV, and knock him in his teeth for being a disobedient little sh*t.

You can soon find this movie in the faded colored bin in your local block buster or gas station.

I would suggest saving your 2$ and go buy a can of soda because reading the Nutrition facts has more excitement than this movie had (if any)

I think they should have saved the 10$ they used to shoot this movie, and put it to good use, like having the making of this film erased from existence.

well, Happy trail all, I'm off to go drown my boredom from this movie by watching BEE movie. Its about a Bee from what I can tell, and from the previews, it has more plot line in the 30 second clips that Dragon War(piece of crap, don't see it) had in the entire film, 1st word, to last.