A chat with the printer

Tonight, the part of the printer will be performed by Mr. H.R. Gumby and I will be played by someone slightly more British, but equally snarky.

Hello, Printer. I have this lovely document for you to print. Just one page. Can you handle it?
Processing...
Printer? Hello. Print test page?
Processsssss... You have reached the printer sharing software of Bruce Muckup. I have nodded off due to a prolonged lack of use. However, if you chuck something heavy at my keyboard I'll be all too happy to
[insert sound of a dictionary failing to maintain it's orbit right on top of a keyboard]
I'll just pass this document along for you then, alright?
AH! A SINGLE PAGE DOCUMENT. THIS IS A MIGHTY TASK YOU BRING TO ME. ONE WORTHY OF HERCULES HIMSELF. BEFORE I UNDERTAKE THIS TASK I MUST WARM UP. HARUUUUUUUUNNNNNNG!!!
What was that?
I HAD TO SPIN UP MY MIGHT HARD DRIVES!
Yes. That's great. My document?
GRAAARARARARARARARAR!
What was that? A fighter jet?
THOSE WERE MY MIGHTY FANS WHICH I USE FOR COOLING OFF MY HOT AND SWEATY IN-NARDS AFTER PERFORMING SUCH LEGENDARY FEATS AS PRINTING A FEW PARAGRAPHS.
Mmmm... I see. Perhaps you could print that first and cool off later?
WuRRRRRRSHHTRRRRRSHTRRRRRRSHT!
And snow skiing Terminator sound?
PRINTING IS A TASK THAT TAKES THE GREATEST OF CARE, THE FINEST OF ALIGNMENT. I MUST FOCUS AND MEDITATE AND CALIBRATE AND ALIGN.
Mmmmhm. OK. I mean my dot matrix printer usually knew to just print on the paper, but I understand if you have trouble hitting a sheet of paper from less than a millimeter away. You go right ahead.
YOU DOUBT ME!?!
No, no. You're doing fine. But if you might step it up? There is a bit of a queue forming.
FIRST... I NEED PAPER.
What? You have four trays of the damn stuff.
NO! YOU MUST RETRIEVE FOR ME The Bulk Feeder!
Oh, man. The Bulk Feeder never works. You get all jammed up. It's like feeding the dog cheese.
I DEMAND THE BULK FEEDER!
You have the exact same paper in tray 1. You know that. Just use it.
Oooh... So there is. I'll use that, then.
Thank god.
THERE IS A PAPER JAM!
Oh shit. Where?
IT IS IN MY MON-IH-TOR!
(note: usually the display highlights what part of the printer is jammed. This time it really was highlighting the display screen instead of anywhere that paper might go.)
Your monitor?
YES! NOT ANYWHERE PAPER MIGHT SENSIBLY GO, BUT IN MY DISPLAY!
You mangled a sheet of paper so badly that you managed to jam it up through a data cable and into that little computer monitor of yours?
[pause]
Uh. YES! THAT IS WHAT I AM SAYING!
How is it that, despite the lack of sensors in that area, you managed to figure out that paper made it there?
ONLY BY SHOVING PAPER SOMEWHERE LIKE THAT COULD I BE STUPID ENOUGH TO THINK THERE WAS PAPER THERE!
There are some point in your logic worthy of consideration, however, let me try something else. If I pull open this drawer and remove the piece of paper I find there that should clear the jam.
THANK YOU FOR CLEARING MY MON-IH-TOR! I SHALL PROCEED TO WARM UP!
But didn't you already...?
THERE IS A PAPER JAM!

Oh shit. Where?
IT IS IN MY MON-IH-TOR!
Didn't we cover this already?
NOT THAT MON-IH-TOR!
What monitor?
THE ROUND ONES UPON WHICH I REST AND AM PUSHED AROUND!
The wheels then?
THE MON-IH-TOR!
Right. I'll remove this piece of paper from the same drawer the last one came from and close you back up!
THANK YOU FOR CLEARING MY MON-IH-TOR! I SHALL PROCEED TO ... THERE IS A PAPER JAM!
Where now? Your uterus?
IT IS IN MY MON-IH-TOR!
And by monitor you mean...?
MY MON-IH-TOR!
Ah, this same drawer as last time. Perhaps you'd like your bulk feeder back.
THANK YOU FOR CLEARING MY ... THERE IS A PAPER JAM!
I am going to castrate the entire Canon management structure with a piece of letter sized paper.
IT IS IN MY MONITOR!

[skipping ahead]

I PRESENT TO YOU YOUR ONE SIDED, SINGLE PAGE, TEXT DOCUMENT! YOU MAY NOW SACRIFICE GOATS UPON ME AND SING MY PRAISES!
Has someone actually been doing that? It would explain so much.