Couches vs Doors

I wanna have a quick word with the furniture makers of America. It's about your couches. Unless you have invented a furniture teleporter I don't see how my girlfriend is gonna be able to invest in your product. The spiral stairway to her apartment is navigable, but I think we'll have to lift the couch over the hand rails and have one person on each side of the stairwell to get it up the stairs. The really hard part is the door. The handrail doesn't come up to the side of the door like a good sensible handrail should. It actually overlaps the door by several inches. That leaves just under 25" of clearance. So her existing couch was unable to make the trip to her new place. But that couch was kinda big. Even with the feet off I have to assume it entered the house through the sliding glass doors. We've been looking at other couches and we've been finding that very few would be able to fit in her place at all.

There are exceptions. Some stuff we found at Ikea would work. Too bad they're so bloody uncomfortable. Not all their couches, just the ones that would fit. She could get one, but it'd be spending money just to have something, not something she likes. And Ikea just kinda screams college student to her. She has a quality couch and would really like to avoid going back a step.

Other stores have had a couple that would work, but their cushions only went up as far as the back of the couch. And they cost $3,000. Picture that for a moment. How much would you like a couch that hits you in the small of the back?

I keep suggesting the shipping palette plan. Six (or possibly eight) shipping pallets in two stacks with plywood across the top. Then put the cushions from her old couch on top of the plywood. Another piece of plywood up the back would support the back cushions. It's far from ideal, but it's affordable and modular.

She's about to settle for a used futon of the CraigsList variety. She doesn't like futons, but it can become a bed and company is coming.

While I've got you, furniture people, what are we gonna do about my mattress? You know those signs that say "George Washington slept here"? I've got one of those, but mine means that he used this mattress. Really, I can't tell you how old it is. It might be older than me. It's comfortable enough, but it's a bit discolored and the fabric is failing in a few places. Changing the sheets includes vacuuming stuffing off the floor afterward.

The mattress can go down the stairs with some effort, but the box springs can only go out the bedroom window. I'm glad these windows were put in before I moved in. Otherwise my mattress would be sitting on palettes, too. From what I've seen of the mattresses for sale today you have box springs, more box springs, and then an inch or two of padding. Couldn't I just get a coffee table and one of those expensive camping pads from the camping store? Or how about that memory foam stuff?

I got off my point a little, there. What I was getting at is that these replacements are gonna be less flexible than my old mattress. They're not coming up the stairs in my place. Do you have a way of getting them in the second story window? I'd guess you do since three guys got my box springs in this way. Still, the idea of having to do that again makes me hesitant to try it again or ask someone else to do it in my place.

Maybe a needle and thread and some old jeans would solve my problem better.