WTF?

Excerpts from old conversations with friends:

It's well known that the Black Plague was spread primarily through children. Gypsies would kidnap them and take infected children from town to town where they'd suck on the local rats infecting them so they weren't safe to eat. Of course, the superstitious locals made the problem worse by killing off the child's natural predator, the Dingo, who they thought were agents of communist nations trying to put flourine in the water supply.

How does one clean French Toast? I know Aaron sandblasts his, but I prefer 20 minutes in an autoclave.

he: What is it about searching for "single layer dvd+r" on Amazon that returns The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Go Down on a Woman and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure (Ultimate Everything!!!) (Paperback)
me: Oooh, subtle. You know your girlfriend is a true geek when she alters all your computer and internet settings so that random websites gives you hints about your performance. What's your spam look like these days?

I've already got the bodies of about a dozen children stuffed under the neighbor's house. I'm already practicing my lines for when they find the bodies and the police lead him away. Which do you like better? "He always seemed like such a nice, normal man." or "He had some pretty extreme religious views. It really not a surprise that he started pulling an Abraham on the area children."?

Following a tale of strange computer behavior:
he: The front application is useful to know, but it's more helpful to know if the acid had worn off or if it was still in effect.
me: I don't have to take that from any plaid lemming. I'll shave my name in your liver with my mind.
he: My liver gave up after this weekend, it actually pulled itself out of my body and got out of the vehicle, and started walking down the road. No amount of pleading or reasoning would work to get it to come to its senses.
me: "Naw, baby. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. You know I only drink cause I love you. Come on back. I love ya, baby. FINE BITCH! I didn't need ya anyway. By this time next week you'll be living down by the docks helping sailors pass their piss tests for a dollar. Ain't nobody else gonna want ya! Aw, that ain't me talkin'. It's the beer. Now why don't you come back and fix me a martini. You know how I like it. Ain't nobody mix drinks like you."

MZ: Around 0900 boredom sets in and him and his co-workers begin sending badly formatted pictures back and forth of various fictional animals created by adding cigarettes to existing animals (such as the Tyrannismokus-Rex, or the Evergreen Smokealope).
JC: Duck-Billed Pipeapus. Kosmokomodo Dragon. Eleblunt.
me: Puffin.
JC: Aargh! I hate you.

Their manuals suck, the techies blow, the hardware is a tornado hitting the sewage lake of an industrial swine farm.

I'm not saying I'm well hung, but I lost a leg in Iraq and nobody noticed.