It.
I always get these knots inside like I'd expect before walking a not-terribly-tightrope from some ridiculous height without a net when I'd never walked a tightrope before. So when I do make myself do it you can be sure that it's for a woman that I think is pretty darn special.
So when I found out that a local blogger whose site I comment on frequently was single again I had to put myself out there. I'd flirted via her comments section a few times. She knew I was just waiting for her to break up with the wizard1 she was dating.
They broke up.
It sounds like they broke up a little while ago. She had recovery time and she started hitting the dating sites. I just found out a few days ago.
I started trying to write her an e-mail almost immediately. "Trying" being the operative word. My fingers froze. My arms seemed to be suffering a petit mal seizure. Just trembling enough that you couldn't see them but, being my arms, I knew about them. I finally started typing, but it was all text about my nerves instead of anything progressing the purpose of my writing. I wrote a few more comments on her site. I went back to the e-mail and froze again. Were those butterflies in my stomach or was it lunchtime? Both actually.
After about a week of virtual time (45 minutes according to the clock) I finally was able to hit send on something that didn't seem completely retarded. I could be wrong about that. She responded pretty fast. She said no. It seems she wants kids while I don't.
Predictable really. An act of pure optimism to have posed the question in the first place.
I'll probably pick up a six pack on the way home. I know, alcohol and a funk don't actually go well together. I'm just hoping that it'll kill that quivering along my arms, chest, and stomach. It's that or be prepared to cough up the money for a professional massage to work out the inevitable kinks in my back.
1I'll leave you to figure out what I mean by that.
2 comments:
Jesus Christ, man, you don't bring up KIDS before the first date! No wonder you worry about this! Next time, drink the booze first, then call.
And the kids aren't as bad as you'd think they'd be.
Try again. Really.
Ah, but we've been reading each others blogs for a couple of years and exchanging comment. She knows that I don't want them. In fact, she's single because she wants kids and her ex doesn't.
Breaking up is hard enough. It's all the worse after you've gotten really attached to that person. Why deliberately put yourself in that situation? If you know from the beginning that the relationship is going to fail why start it?
Having kids is one of those big deal breaker issues. People who want kids REALLY want kids. People who don't REALLY don't. There are some people who just don't care and only have kids because, well, "I'm pregnant? How'd that happen? Well, I guess I might as well keep it."
For some people the deal breaker religion. They'll only date within their own faith. Or they won't date someone who will spend all their time trying to convert you.
For others it's smoking. They just won't date someone that tastes like tobacco or makes their surroundings smell like the back room of a seedy tavern.
For me it's children. I suppose I should start writing up a blog entry to explain my reasons. It's an issue that needs to come up by the second date at the latest.
In any case, the point of the entry was the anxiety.
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